A mammon is a straight man that’s dressing more like a woman everyday. They’re increasing in numbers and this is not ideal in this day and age. Being single and in your mid twenties…well this is really debilitating to my dating pipeline. Masculine men are disappearing at an alarming rate. There are certain traits that will help you distinguish if you’re dating a mammon!
They’ll have skinny jeans just like yours. In all different colours most likely RED and they’ll be so tight on the ankles. Wince. If a guy has skinner legs than you in jeans, you’ll need to accept your dating a mammon. And that’s not right!
They’ll eat less than you for fear that the aforementioned jeans won’t fit over their ankles. They will most likely have a satchel too. But it’ll actually be a handbag!
Mammon’s will usually sport a certain quiff which looks windswept but they’ve actually spent hours perfecting the look.
They will call you ‘babes’. ‘Hey babes’. And they’ll drink red wine watching a rugby match. In their red skinny jeans. With their legs folded!
Mammons smoke ‘Vogue menthols’. Or they might not smoke at all due to their health concerns of getting wrinkles
They’ll use Crest Whitening Strips in secret and just pretend they were born with their Simon Cowell glowing teeth
Mammons will use sunbeds. At lunchtime. Instead of eating. And they won’t even be ashamed to tell you.
It’s a scary world we’re living in and if Mammons continue to surround me, I’ll have to move to South Africa!