An anonymous MALE Londoner gives his dating advice!

So the below was written by a MALE Londoner, who shall remain nameless! He’s in his late 20’s and on reading my Top 17 dating tips yesterday, he decided to share his own! I suppose it’s intriguing to see it directly from the male perspective. I can’t say I agree with some of the stuff but it did make me laugh in parts! Let me know if you think he’s on the money, outrageous or just pure ridiculous… You decide…

Ok, so you want to be a shark. One of those guys in the office who digs out the smartphone on Monday and arrogantly shows you the Facebook of the girl he bang*d last weekend. Or, maybe you’d like to meet the one – you know, settle down and all that jazz. Either way, what you’re doing now ain’t getting it done. Time for a change. Sadly, women love games. If it was as simple as being yourself, every man would have a 10 on his arm. Ladies, by all means use this as a tool to know when a man knows exactly what he’s doing, and if any of the below raises alarm bells, the odds are you’ll soon be desperately checking your phone for a text that isn’t coming.

1. Opening your account

Getting dates with girls is easy. Really it is. The key? Not caring. You’ve got to play it as if is a game. In a way it is. Treat the whole thing as a sales process. An interview. There is an old saying in sales – “On every deal, either you sell them, or they sell you on not buying”. This applies to women too. This is a power struggle as old as the hills, and men always have the upper hand, they just forget it for a good pair of legs. You’ve got to learn to play the game before you’ll get to meet the real her. You think they aren’t nervous? Of course they are. This woman spent 2 hours in front of mirror tonight. Dressing for herself? Hardly. An old myth they tell themselves so they won’t feel like they are performing for some man. Sadly, nature disagrees. Alpha males strut and the females of the herd make themselves available for them, and no amount of Sex and the City box sets will change that. Back to not caring. You’ve got to be willing to fail. The only way you will ever be comfortable around good looking women is to try try and try. There will come a point when you don’t even realise you are doing it.

Women are not stupid. If they sense worry or a lack of confidence in your approach, you are finished. It has to be casual and in no way intense at the early stage…make a joke, take the piss out of her a little. Exactly like you don’t care which way it goes, because another will be along shortly. The goal is to put her on the back foot so you shake her out of all the bullshit defence mechanisms she has built up to deflect creeps over the years. Later on, when you get alone time, you can turn on the brood, but at the outset, she needs to see the below:
1. Confidence – even if you don’t have it. Act like you expect every word she says.

2. Appropriate dress – Wear what suits you. Mens fashion is a whole other thing, but fitted (not skin tight) clothes will show you aren’t a kid or some old geezer. Black is your friend. For gods sake man – who are your heroes? More importantly, who are theirs? Dress like the man, and you will become him.

3. The right side of sane – Yes, be daring, but don’t be a dribbler. What would Ryan Gosling do?

4. To be respected – Whether its knowing lots of people, skipping a queue or flashing cash, she’s got to know you are separate from the other scroungers and have value. Any woman who says she isn’t looking for value needs to have a long chat with her subconscious. Have a wingman compliment you in front of her, or throw a girl mate into the scenario to show you’re pre approved, and not just some random lonely nut.

Pick your moment. Wait for her to smile, touch you in some way, laugh at your bad jokes. If you get three of these little signals then its go time. Get her number and say you’ll text. Don’t ask for the date face to face. She could panic and bottle it. Texts can be carefully thought through, and you can build up to the ask.

DO NOT OVER COMPLIMENT HER. It’s a sure fire way to turn her off. People in life do not want what is too easy. They want to work for it. Allow her to believe you are dark, mysterious and she is ‘figuring you out’ in ways no other woman has. Women are weaned on bullshit movies, and are preconditioned to want the dark stranger. All of them. Not some goon who says ‘uuuhhhh I really like your dress…”. You’ve got to use compliments as little rewards for her going along with what you want ie: taking your hand for a dance etc. You’ve got to be respectful but also totally independent. She will sense you are not needy and like you the more for it.

2. The Paperwork

THE MAN DECIDES THE PLACE. Have no hesitancy on this. Woman do not want an indecisive person in their lives. They already get enough of that from their girl mates and themselves. Pick a place immediately and suggest it. Have a back up picked too, that you can suggest on the date.

DO NOT DO DINNER OR THE MOVIES. It’s weird, its formal and in the flicks you have zero chance of any connection. Find a bar with booths. Cosy and direct. Its more pressure but you’ll get better results if it goes right.

BE PATIENT ABOUT TEXTS. Don’t rush to text back straight away, or sit there worrying if she hasn’t come back to you. The notion that the length of time a girl will wait before she texts is a direct indicator of her level of interest is only true in the positive. If she texts straight away, she likes you, but if she delays, give her the benefit of the doubt.

2. The Big Sit Down

Be five minutes early. This is law. Find a seat, get comfortable and look that way when she arrives. Once again : she is nervous too. After all, she’s been talking this shit to death with her mates all day. Be a gentleman. Stand and say hello. You’ve done the hard part. Another great sales expression – “A man doesn’t walk into a dealership unless he wants to buy”. This is equally true of dating women.

MAKE HER LAUGH. I don’t care how you do it, but making her laugh at the start will loosen everything up. If you’re not naturally funny, use a line you made up while you were waiting – ‘that waiter looks like Danny Devito’ etc….This will go a long way to defusing those bullshit defences we mentioned earlier. She came prepared with a loooooad of baggage and expectations, and you’ve got to shift these and make her comfortable on your terms as quickly as possible.

Watch out for her red flags. These are :

– Not paying for anything or thanking you for drinks etc.
– Only talking about herself
– Being too needy in relation to your time (this will surface more and more later)
– Over complimenting you (see, its not attractive)
– Talking about her ex in a stalker way
– Being rude to staff or racist 

If any of these pop up, don’t call her again. It’s not worth the sex or your time to date a nutball, I assure you.

Don’t play with your phone. At least not too early. Once you’ve made a connection, you can take it out, read a little text (could be from Orange or Vodafone, it doesn’t matter) and smile to yourself. She will be instantly curious.

ALWAYS have chewing gum, and try not to smoke. Its disgusting. Smell is a big thing with women. So don’t blast on the aftershave, just enough on the wrists and neck. Funnily enough, so are shoes. Do NOT wear a pair of jeans that are shredded at the heel because they are too big. Polish your shoes for gods sake.

The kiss is a tricky one. Again, you’ve got to wait for little indicators its a go. One friend of mine gets up to go to the bathroom, then leans in and kisses her before he goes. That way when you get back the mood is totally set.

If she sleeps with you on the first night, my advice is not to call her again. If she’s doing it now, she’s done it before and that’s not someone you want in your life.

Written by – An anonymous male Londoner

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Jenny Conlon is a broadcast, freelance journalist, writer and fashion and entertainment critic. Her work has featured on the RTÉ. fashion and entertainments website. She has assisted production of RTÉ's Morning Ireland and The Business. Jenny produced and presented a weekly fashion and entertainment show Girls Talk Back on 103.2 Dublin City Fm and was Newsreader and Editor of the newsroom. Her work continues to feature in Irish publications such as The Irish Tatler, U magazine and The Dubliner. Jenny completed her Masters in International Journalism in 2009. She is looking forward to a jam packed 2012 where she will continue broadcasting and writing and being inspired. She will be modelling for a high street fashion shoot and plans to climb Mount Kilimanjaro.....

4 thoughts on “An anonymous MALE Londoner gives his dating advice!

  1. That was really fun to read! And pretty good advice too. I especially like him pointing out that the man decides the place. I hate being asked where or what I want to do. Only once have I ever suggested somewhere different after a guy picked and that was because he suggested miniature gold and ice cream – what are we in high school?


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