I THINK THE turning point for me was being given the choice by a GP and child psychologist to either start working with them to improve my eating or be admitted to hospital on a drip. That was when I knew I wasn’t getting away with destructing myself any more. That was 11 years ago when I was 16 in Transition Year in school.
I can’t actually pinpoint the moment where I decided that I wasn’t going to eat anymore. But what I do know is that being anorexic is not to do with celebrities and magazines as most people assume, its way way deeper than that. It’s about control. If you can’t control what’s happening in your life, the one thing you can control is what you put into your body. It’s completely emotionally related. My parents were splitting up at aged 16 and I don’t think this was a very happy time for me. I’d say this was one of the main triggers. If you assess any person suffering from anorexia, you will most likely find that they’re going through a turbulent time in their personal life and most like unhappy.
I ended up at 6 stone
I was a bit over 9 stone before I started that really dark journey and ended up at 6 stone. I don’t think anyone who has not gone through it can understand it. It’s a silent disease that slowly consumes every aspect of your life. Your self-confidence is so low and you feel disconnected from everyone around you. It’s a really lonely dark place and became a struggle on a daily basis. It’s like a fight within yourself and pretty much self torture.
I was never really a breakfast person so I never ate breakfast. My mum would always make lunch for me so that would go straight in the bin at school. And then dinner was always a home-cooked, healthy meal. I did eat my dinner most days with my Mum and my sister but that’s all – I was eating once in 24 hours. I think I was lucky that I did actually eat dinner as that included all the nutrients that I needed so my hair and nails were always healthy enough considering what I was putting my body through.
To those that are close to you, everything appears normal. Those who are close to you can’t see the weight loss as quickly as they see you every day and it’s not as obvious. Eating becomes militant and it takes extreme self control to sustain and deprive yourself of food on a daily basis. The hunger pains start to get easier as time goes by and the hunger becomes your strength in the warped mental mindset that you’re in.
Friends and family find it difficult to understand
It’s often difficult for your friends and family to deal with as they are unable to understand it. I would find articles and print outs in my mum’s room as I knew she was reading up on it and trying to understand. My friends in school were aware that I wasn’t eating and this was obvious at the lunch table when I would sit there with an apple and I was constantly chew chewing gum.
It’s a difficult conversation for your friends to have with you as they’re not going to ring your parents and tell them you’re not eating at 16. A lot of girls in my year suffered from some form of eating disorder and I think there are many different levels and reasons why girls suffer. Sixteen is an awkward age for any child and couple that with family issues and other teenage struggles and it’s not a happy picture.
At the start it’s actually quite a satisfying feeling and people tell you that you look great when you initially lose a bit of weight. You then will start to like the feeling of losing weight so you keep doing it. I used to actually go into Boots in Stephen’s Green and weigh myself on the scales at weekends. I would actually quite enjoy the feeling of seeing the numbers decrease on a weekly basis. We didn’t have a weighing scale at home. I think that’s the control element taking hold and you can see that you’re fully in control of your body. I think you actually find comfort in that feeling of weight loss to begin with.
I was so cold, because I was so thin
I remember feeling and being freezing the whole time. One summer that stands out was when I went to French college for three weeks. I was about 7 stone going there and during my time there, I basically would eat special k with water for breakfast and maybe a small bowl of soup for lunch and something like salad leaves for the dinner. I hated that time, the canteen and having to sit at a table with other people watching what you’re eating. Continue reading…
